Saturday, September 1, 2007

How to run a company

1) Brainwash your workers by feeding them news that gives them a favourable opinion of you.

2) Imprison your workers in the confines of the workplace so that they have no other alternative but to work in your company

3) For the lowly workers, pay them an amount that will not enable them to live comfortably but enough to feed them lest they rebel.

4) For the better workers, pay them an obscene amount to make them so comfortable that they will never want to rebel.

5) Provide them with a 99 year lease housing at such a high price that most will have to work 30 years to repay the loan. This is to enslave them financially. Keep them poor to ensure they work hard.

6) Make them work till the day they drop dead. Or alternatively ship the elderly who can no longer work to nearby places with cheap land.

7) Never ever pay for their retirement. Bad for profits. Call it a "clutch mentality" and tell them asians should never be lazy.

8) Borrow money from your workers (make it compulsory) at discounted rates and invest the money for better returns (of course you're gonna keep all the profits for yourself).

9) Don't ever return the money to your workers. Make an excuse for goodness sake.

10) Even if you are mismanaging the company, never let the shareholders have a chance to vote you out. Destroy any alternative candidates.

11) Human resource department screws up? Just import cheap labour from overseas.

12) Your workers not reproducing enough replacements for themselves? Just import cheap labour from overseas.

13) Your workers are not happy about the lower wages because of the influx of foreign workers? Find an excuse..... call it globalization or something.

14) Company health care policy for the workers? Make them pay for it. (Profits remember?)

15) Company retirement policy for the workers? Make them pay for it as well. (Profits remember?)

16) Management health care and retirement policy? All at the expense of the company :)

17) Unruly workers inciting others to go against the management? Send them to the disciplinary department for punishment. Set an example if you must.

18) Never ever let the workers communicate in a massive scale in case they are trying to do point number 17.

19) Workers assaulting members of the management? Get the disciplinary department to implement harsher penalties for that.

20) Workers trying to investigate the management to seek evidence of mismanagement? Make them seek permission from the disciplinary department first.

21) Tell your workers that it's risky for the company opps i mean risky for them to have no money for retirement if workers live beyond 85 (Longevity risk). Make them purchase an annuities scheme.

22) Tax your workers for purchases in the company canteen and grocery shop. Tell them the tax collected is for the purpose of helping them.

23) Make the males serve 2 years as company security guards. Save on security costs.

24) Other workers making money in the property market? Join in the party man! Make them share their profits with you. (Developmental charges and hotel levies)

Any other ideas on generating more profits for the company? Feel welcome to contribute. I might even pay you a million dollar salary if you are good. If you are a scholar, we might even pay you double. Just kidding hehe. Our company does not practise favouritism. We are honest ok?

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